Why It’s So Damn Hard to Stop Self-Abandoning

You already know you do it.

You say “yes” when you mean “no.” You avoid hard conversations. You keep the peace. You downplay your needs. You smile through the discomfort.

And maybe you’ve even named it: self-abandonment.

But knowing the pattern doesn’t seem to be enough to stop it.

You wait. You hope for the “right moment.” You try to psych yourself up to set a boundary.

But when the time comes… you freeze. You talk yourself out of it. You feel a lump in your throat or a pit in your stomach. You convince yourself it’s not the right time. Again.

This isn’t because you’re weak or broken or not “doing the work.”

It’s because your nervous system has learned that not self-abandoning is dangerous.

You’re Not Lazy – You’re Wired for Survival

Self-abandonment isn’t just a bad habit – it’s a survival strategy.

It formed when you were young, in moments when your needs felt like “too much,” or when being easygoing and helpful made you more loved (or at least less rejected).

You learned that prioritizing others = staying safe.

So of course, when you even think about asserting yourself now, your body gets loud.

Racing heart. Tight chest. Nausea. Brain fog. That’s not weakness – that’s your nervous system trying to protect you from what it still perceives as threat: disconnection, rejection, abandonment.

Avoidance Feels Safer Than Discomfort

The reason you keep putting it off – the conversation, the “no,” the change – isn’t because you don’t want it badly enough.

It’s because even imagining it makes your body panic.

Setting a boundary when you’ve been self-abandoning for years can feel like jumping off a cliff without a parachute.

You might think:

“What if they get mad?”
“What if I lose them?”
“What if I’m wrong and overreacting?”

So you wait for the right time. The perfect words. The moment where it’ll feel easier.

But that moment never comes. Because what you’re actually avoiding… is the discomfort of choosing yourself.

You Have to Expect the Discomfort – And Know It’s Not a Sign to Stop

Here’s the part no one tells you:

Discomfort isn’t a red flag. It’s a growth signal.

If you’ve been abandoning yourself for most of your life, then honoring your needs will feel unfamiliar. It might even feel “wrong.”

That doesn’t mean you’re doing it wrong. It means you’re doing something new.

The goal isn’t to feel amazing about it right away—the goal is to notice the reaction and stay with yourself anyway.

Small Shifts That Help You Rewire the Pattern

If this is resonating, here are a few small-but-powerful steps to start changing the pattern:

1. Name it when you feel the urge to self-abandon.
Just say: “Oh hey, there’s that part of me that’s afraid to disappoint people.” This separates the pattern from your identity.

2. Ask: “What would I do right now if I trusted my needs were valid?”
This gives you access to your truth, even if you don’t act on it (yet).

3. Practice micro-moments of self-honouring.
Say no to something tiny. Take 3 minutes alone. Speak up in low-stakes situations. These build capacity in your nervous system.

4. Let the discomfort come – and stay with yourself through it.
Instead of running, avoid numbing or rationalizing it away. Breathe. Stay in your body. Say to yourself, “This is what healing feels like sometimes.”

You Don’t Need to Wait Until It’s Comfortable

You don’t need more time.
You don’t need to be more ready.
You don’t need to feel completely confident.

You need to start practicing.
And remind yourself: the fear, the hesitation, the shaky voice – it’s not a sign you’re doing it wrong.
It’s a sign that you’re stepping out of an old pattern.

And that’s the bravest thing in the world.

Ready to take your first step toward change? Download my free guide: Stop Self-Abandonment
It’s packed with insights and practical tools to help you reconnect with your needs and start honoring yourself – without guilt.

Want to stop self-abandoning and start choosing yourself?

You don’t have to keep putting everyone else’s needs ahead of your own – or keep pretending you’re fine when you’re quietly falling apart inside.

Stop Self-Abandonment is a free guide to help you break the pattern that’s been keeping you small, quiet, and stuck – especially in your relationships.