Aren’t you tired of it yet? Tired of feeling taken for granted, dismissed, and tolerated?
What about the chronic cynicism and animosity you try so hard to cover-up and pretend isn’t there? You know, telling everyone (self included) you’re focusing on the positive side of things and not letting the negative get you down…
That’s right, Mr. Nice-Guy, I see you.
The truth is, you’re really dissatisfied aren’t you?
Frustrated by the way you’re treated or viewed by people sometimes. Annoyed – even angry – that after all you’re willing to give-up and compromise, you’re still passed-over, brushed off, and essentially told “next time”.
So why does this keep happening to you?
You’re doing the right things, right? Being nice and agreeable? A consummate team player… so yeah, why does this keep happening to you?
As counterintuitive as it might seem, it’s because you’re, well… “nice”… and your version of “nice” is unfortunately BS.
Your version of ‘nice guy’ is about avoiding conflict and trying to control how people see you.
You’re “nice” as in:
Letting others make all the decisions, under the guise of letting people have their way, when in fact it’s a covert way of avoiding responsibility for taking on your life powerfully.
Telling one person what they want to hear but then saying something different to another; like chronically double booking yourself because you don’t want to disappoint or hurt people’s feelings by saying no.
Never speaking your mind or your true feelings, while derisively judging others for the way they are and how they live their lives.
Doing things for other people while your own life is a shit-show – irritated at work, neglecting your health, irresponsible with finances, etc.
Nice guys are the ones who get dumped, passed over for promotion, or fired because they’re so uncomfortable and ineffective with conflict that nothing ever gets properly resolved.
All of this so other people like you and think you’re a good guy, all while neglecting to stand up for your own needs, wants, and dreams. On top of that, feeling contempt for those around you who aren’t meeting your needs and instead fulfilling on their own.
The crazier thing is that all of this this will backfire. Rather than ending up the as the nice guy, eventually you’ll end up the target of contempt for showing up as weak, small, and even childish.
The ‘nice guy’ persona is just that – a persona. Not the real, whole, complete version of you. Therefore, in effect, it’s dishonest.
Consider that every time you don’t say what you really mean, how you feel, or what you want, you’re basically lying.
Call it what you want – fibbing, bending the truth, alternative facts, withholding, deceiving, not-bothering-to-say-anything-because-it’s-not-important, or just being “nice”…
At the end of the day, the results are the same and people can tell (even if they can’t name it, they feel it) so they don’t fully trust you.
And when people don’t trust you, they won’t be in a relationship with you the way you want them to be.
Sure they might trust you to never cheat on them, but they won’t trust you to fully show up as an equal partner they can rely on when things get hard – and that’s not what you really want isn’t it?
The truth about being the ‘nice guy’.
Being nice means being:
- Dishonest, by only saying what you think people want to hear instead of your whole truth, in order to avoid conflict
- Manipulative, because you won’t ask for what you want or need in a straightforward way and try to get your needs met in other ways
- Secretive, because you’re afraid of upsetting people so you hide things
- Selfish, giving to get something in return, because you can’t outright ask for what you need, like giving flowers so your partner thinks you’re a good guy and therefore will love you instead of giving for the sake of giving
- Controlling, keeping everything going smoothly because you want to avoid the possibility of showing any imperfections or failures
- Passive-aggressive, expressing your frustration about things in an indirect way, like promising never to do something again but repeating the same behaviour again in the future
Nice guys finish last because they constantly sell themselves out.
You’re the one who’s putting yourself in the position to be overlooked, not taken seriously, or bossed around.
You are essentially denying your own needs and wants in order to improve the chances of someone ‘choosing’ you; girlfriend, wife, kids, friends, colleagues, bosses, etc…
But ask yourself why… Why is this your pattern? Why do you:
- Care so much about what people think of you, at a cost to yourself?
- Maintain relationships with unhealthy people who make you feel like crap about yourself? Why do you need to be accepted/ loved/ chosen by them?
What’s missing within you, that makes you think and act like this?
What’s missing is a healthy mindset about yourself. You, my friend, have a mindset problem.
This unhealthy mindset causes you to:
- Let your boundaries be crossed on the regular, while you build resentment for the boundary-crosser
- Live with other people’s expectations as guideposts, and feel hella guilty when you don’t live up to them
- Criticize and judge yourself for all kinds of things, stomping on your self worth
- Be reactive – even if the reaction is to withdraw and go silent – because you don’t know how to
The thing is, the people who are truly worthy of everything you have to offer, won’t stand for you doing this to yourself. They simply won’t tolerate you playing small and selling yourself out.
Emotionally healthy people have nothing to gain by you living life that way. However, those people can’t change your disempowered mindset, only you can.