Self-Abandonment Is a Trauma Response
Why fawning is the most rewarded trauma response – and what it’s costing you now.
Let’s strip this back to the roots.
If you’ve been doing the work of healing – reading the books, following the accounts, listening to the podcasts – you’ve probably come across terms like “self-abandonment,” “trauma response,” or “nervous system dysregulation,”
And while those are all useful concepts, sometimes they become a wall of language that distances us from the real-life experience underneath.
So today, I want to bring it back to one of the most important (and overlooked) truths about self-abandonment: it’s often rooted in a nervous system pattern known as the fawning trauma response.
And the thing is? Fawning doesn’t look like trauma.
It looks like kindness.
It looks like being easygoing.
It looks like keeping the peace.
Which is why it’s so hard to spot – especially in yourself.
Understanding the Fawning Trauma Response
What Is Fawning?
You’ve probably heard the word “fawning” thrown around – maybe you even know it’s one of the four classic trauma responses: fight, flight, freeze… and fawn.
But it’s not always easy to recognize in yourself – especially when it just looks like being “nice.”
You might not think of yourself as someone who fawns.
Maybe you just call it being kind. Or polite. Or low-maintenance.
But if that niceness is coming at the expense of your truth?
That’s not kindness. That’s fear doing the talking.
So let’s define it:
Fawning is the (often unconscious) behaviour of pleasing, appeasing, or pacifying someone in power in order to stay safe – emotionally, relationally, or physically.
It’s not a conscious strategy.
It’s what your nervous system does when honesty feels dangerous.
And if self-abandonment is a pattern for you, there’s a very good chance fawning is part of your default setting.
How Fawning Shows Up in Everyday Life
Here are a few ways fawning can sneak into your day-to-day:
- Saying yes when you want to say no – because conflict makes you uncomfortable (or truly unsafe).
- Nodding along in conversations where you completely disagree – because the other person holds social or professional power.
- Going along with plans you’re not into – vacations, dinners, even sex – because you don’t want to disappoint anyone or risk changing how they see you.
- Thanking someone for their “understanding” when they cross your boundary – because you’re more afraid of rupture than resentment.
At first glance, these might just look like compromise. But if you check in with yourself, you might realize something deeper:
You’re not choosing.
You’re appeasing.
Isn’t That Just People-Pleasing?
Good question – and here’s the truth:
People-pleasing is often one of the behaviours that emerges because of the fawning trauma response.
It’s not just a personality quirk.
It’s not something you chose.
It’s a deeply ingrained survival strategy your nervous system adopted to avoid rejection, conflict, or disconnection – especially in relationships where honesty didn’t feel safe.
Fawning isn’t about being nice. It’s about staying safe.
When your nervous system perceives threat – emotional or relational – it adapts by silencing your needs and trying to maintain harmony at all costs.
So yes, people-pleasing can look similar from the outside. But underneath it is something much deeper:
A body that has learned that appeasing others is what keeps you connected – and connection is what keeps you alive.
And that’s what makes this pattern so hard to shift.
It’s not just mental. It’s physiological.
Until you understand where it came from, you’ll keep blaming yourself for not being able to “just speak up” or “set better boundaries.”
And that blame?
It just fuels more self-abandonment.
Where It All Begins
Now here’s where it gets wild:
We learn to fawn early.
And we get praised for it.
The earliest version of fawning?
Being “a good kid.”
Let’s take a look at some common examples:
- You were told to smile for the camera, even when you didn’t want to.
- You were made to hug relatives who made you uncomfortable.
- You were praised for being quiet, polite, and obedient – even when what you really wanted was to run around, be silly, or speak up.
This isn’t teaching manners.
It’s teaching self-abandonment.
Because when you didn’t comply – when you said no, cried, got upset, or asked for something…
What happened?
Disapproval.
Disappointment.
Withdrawal.
Maybe even punishment.
And when you’re a child, that’s more than just uncomfortable – it’s dangerous.
You don’t have independence. You rely on your caregivers for everything. So if your honesty threatens connection with them, your nervous system gets the message:
“It’s not safe to be real. If you want to stay safe, you’d better be pleasing.”
So you learn to suppress, smile, and soften.
Not because it feels good, but because it keeps the peace.
How It Follows You Into Adulthood
This behaviour becomes ingrained. So even when you’re grown – even when you’re technically safe – you keep fawning.
You do it with your boss, to protect your job.
With your partner, to keep the relationship steady.
With your friends, to maintain connection or avoid rocking the boat.
And sometimes with everyone – because you’ve forgotten how to be anyone else.
At some point, it starts to feel like your personality.
“I’m just really nice.”
“I hate conflict.”
“I just want everyone to feel comfortable.”
But beneath that “niceness” is often a deep, private fear:
If I disappoint them, they’ll leave.
If I tell the truth, I’ll lose everything.
And so you keep contorting, adapting, shrinking, smoothing.
Until one day, you realize:
You’ve made everyone else comfortable at the expense of your own life.
That’s what makes the fawning trauma response so sticky – it starts to feel like your identity, not a pattern you learned to survive.
What It Takes to Stop Fawning
Let’s be real: this pattern didn’t form overnight.
And it won’t dissolve overnight either.
But you can stop fawning.
You can stop abandoning yourself.
There are two core skills you’ll need to build:
1. The ability to disappoint people – and still believe you’re worthy.
Not in a defiant way. In a grounded, embodied, adult way.
You get to make choices that don’t work for everyone. You get to disappoint someone without crumbling. You get to trust that your worth isn’t dependent on how well you perform for others.
2. The courage to stand in your truth – even when it’s inconvenient or uncomfortable for someone else.
This doesn’t mean you’re rude or callous.
It means you stay rooted in what’s true for you, even when it challenges what someone else expects.
These are not small shifts.
Especially when your nervous system is screaming that honesty = danger.
But they’re possible.
And they’re so worth it.
Because this isn’t about becoming cold, mean, or rude.
It’s about becoming more authentic.
Ready to Start Reclaiming Yourself?
If this post is hitting home, there’s a reason.
You’ve been living in the fawning trauma response so long, you’ve started to confuse fear for kindness. Compliance for connection. Approval for love.
It’s time to change that.
That’s why I created Stop Self-Abandoning – a free workbook designed to help you name the pattern of self-abandonment and understand what’s really been keeping you stuck.
Inside, you’ll uncover:
- The hidden behaviours that keep you in the fawn loop
- The root cause behind why boundaries feel so hard
- One powerful shift to help you take your first step back to yourself
Because the life you want – the connection, the confidence, the sense of wholeness – doesn’t come from being “good.”
It comes from being real.
You know it’s time to stop abandoning yourself.
This free workbook is your first step to reclaiming your power.
You’ve spent long enough putting everyone else’s needs ahead of your own – pretending everything’s okay when it’s not.
It’s time to come back to yourself. It’s time to take your life back.
“This was so helpful! I see my patterns in a new way and that’s made such a difference.”
Becca – Reader
(No spam. No pressure. Just a guide to help you come home to yourself.)
