Reclaiming Your Authentic Self: The hidden link between anxiety & self-abandonment.

Anxiety can feel like an unrelenting force, something you live with on the regular, and you can often feel powerless to do anything about it. Maybe you’ve tried the usual routes – medication, mindfulness, exercise – only to find that the relief is temporary at best. When nothing seems to truly work, numbing (drinking, drugs, binge eating, sleeping, death-scrolling, etc.) can become the go-to strategy.

But what if there’s something deeper at play?

What if your anxiety is not just something you’re stuck with, but a signal of something deeper?

What if your anxiety is connected to your tendency to self-abandon?

From the earliest moments in life, we are constantly learning (picking up cues) about what’s acceptable and not acceptable in order to maintain connection with our primary caregivers. This is a basic survival mechanism for human beings, to be connected with their parents, because our species is so reliant on those around us to meet our basic needs in order to not die.

These learned lessons about what’s okay and not okay (like being polite and quiet is good an being loud and rambunctious is bad) eventually turn into patterns of thinking and behaving that we carry with us into our adult lives. Often these behaviour modifications require suppressing our natural emotions and authentic selves (like suppressing our desire to be loud in service of being quiet and polite) and this becomes the root of self-abandonment.

But the problem is, the longer we deny our authentic selves (like from childhood into adulthood) the more disconnected from our selves we become – and that disconnection is often one of the root causes of anxiety.

In this blog post, we’re going to explore the powerful connection between self-abandonment and anxiety. We’ll uncover how the lessons you absorbed as a child might still be dictating your emotional responses today and how reclaiming your true self could be the key to finally breaking free from the grip of anxiety.

A couple of things before we dive in:

We’re going to cover a lot of ground in this post, so before we get too far, let’s make sure we’re on the same page about some key things.

What is self-abandonment?

• Self-abandonment is the act of ignoring or suppressing your own needs, feelings, and desires in order to please others, avoid conflict, or meet external expectations. It often involves prioritizing others’ needs over your own, leading to a disconnection from your true self.

Self-abandoning tendencies are NOT YOUR FAULT.

• Self-abandoning tendencies are unconsciously developed as a literal survival strategy when we are very young. They were necessary at the time, so be gentle with yourself about having them.

There is more to anxiety than overthinking, muscle tension, and racing hearts:

• Anxiety has an array of physical symptoms (i.e. fatigue, stomach issues, headaches, muscle tension, etc.) and emotional or psychological symptoms (i.e. worrying, difficulty concentrating, sleep disturbances, overwhelm, etc.)
• Anxiety can also present with behaviours. Behaviours like avoiding and procrastinating, isolating, restlessness, over-planning and perfectionism, compulsivity, etc. For those of us that tend to live in our heads and cut-off from what’s happening in our bodies, noticing when we’re exhibiting behaviours that are related to anxiety is an important part of reducing or overcoming the impact anxiety has on you and your life.

Alright, back to the topic at hand: the connection between self-abandonment and anxiety…

Self-abandonment comes from what we learn about emotions.

As I’ve mentioned, a natural part of our development as a human being (and a basic survival instinct) is to learn from watching our parents for indicators and cues about what’s okay and not okay. This clearer to identify when it comes to behaviours – helping set the table and making your bed is good and being messy is bad.

But it can be harder to identify or figure out when it comes to what we learned about emotions during this time as well.

For example, let’s imagine a time when you were little and you were invited to a friend’s birthday party. You’re really excited – dressed up, ready to play games, eat cake, and maybe even score a loot bag! But what if every time you started to show your excitement– laughing a lot, getting silly, or being loud –your parents told you to “settle down.”

And what if that didn’t just happen at parties? What if it happened when you were excited about your favourite TV show coming on, or having company come for dinner, or going on a family vacation, or when you were counting down the days until Santa would visit?

What do you think you would have learned about being excited?

If (almost) every time you did something like laughing, being giddy and silly, and being loud – all natural expressions of excitement – you were met with some version of “don’t do that”, you would learn that those behaviours weren’t okay. And you’d also learn that the emotion that goes with those behaviours, in this case excitement, weren’t okay either.

Even if your excitement was allowed/tolerated for a while but then you were told “Enough. It’s time to settle down now.” you would have learned that only a little bit of excitement was okay.

That is where the we start to learn to edit ourselves – abandon our true self – in order to please (stay connected for our survival) to our parents.

Unfortunately, to take this one step further, the little person in us will translate those messages about the behaviour and the emotions not being okay into “the way you are isn’t okay.”

When the fundamental human needs of being connected and being ourselves are in competition with each other, the need for connection will win every time.  

Let’s look at another example.

Let’s say you’re 5 and learning to play soccer. It’s not going the way you thought, you don’t feel like you’re very good at it, and you’re upset. You go to your parent feeling sad and insecure, and looking for comforting. In that moment, what you need is connection –acknowledgement and validation of your feelings.

Maybe something like, “I can see you’re feeling sad and maybe a bit worried about soccer honey, and that’s okay. When something is important to us and it’s not going the way we hoped, it can be hard. Would it feel good to talk a little more about it now?”

But instead, they met your vulnerability with, “Oh honey! That’s okay! You’re doing your best, and that’s what matters. Besides, you’re really good at reading and math. You can’t be good at everything!”

While their intention may have been to comfort you, what you actually learn in moments like that is that your vulnerable feelings aren’t okay to explore or express; that being vulnerable isn’t okay.

After a while, with repeated experiences like this it would be natural if you started keeping quiet when you felt vulnerable. Instead, you might start striving for perfection so you can avoid failing, or you might go the other way and become invisible so that no one could see or notice your vulnerabilities.

And that’s where and how the self-abandonment starts.

The connection between self-abandonment and anxiety.

Self-abandonment begins as soon as you stop allowing yourself to express genuine emotions, like excitement or vulnerability. It’s a pattern that starts in childhood but can persist into adulthood, showing up in various aspects of your life.

But what does all this have to do with anxiety? How does self-abandonment intersect with anxiety?

Here’s a real life example: Me + travelling with friends = anxiety.

When I was little, being “good” was the right way to be. That meant excitement was too loud, vulnerability was too much, and having needs that were over and above what was already decided was burdensome. This eventually turned me into a people-pleasing perfectionist who tried to do everything on her own.

(In fact, my mom jokes “You’ve been independent since you were 4!” But in this context, it’s not really that cute or funny.)

Back to the example, why would traveling with friends cause anxiety in me?

Because I have needs, like alone time and sleeping preferences and blah blah blah – normal, natural things that we all have and that generally aren’t a big deal. But I’ve learned that I’m not supposed to have needs that impact others so expressing these needs makes me feel stressed or anxious.

Basically, the way my body and nervous system (where anxiety lives) respond when the idea of traveling with other people comes up, is with the stress of the choice between the discomfort of burdening them with my needs by speaking up (which is hella uncomfortable for an independent, invisible, perfectionist so generally not the preferred option) OR keeping quite and not getting what I need.

I’ve learned that abandoning myself by not speaking up (suppressing my authenticity) in order to maintain the relationship is the better option.

My anxiety comes from self-abandoning to prevent the discomfort of speaking up.

If I wasn’t worried about getting my needs met because I didn’t have childhood programming that taught me my needs were burdensome, traveling with friends wouldn’t be a big deal. Of course, I now know that my needs aren’t burdensome and it’s okay to have them, but that programming from my early years has taken a lot of work to rewire and is still challenging to just ignore sometimes.

For most of us, that programming is so ingrained and we’ve been doing it for so long that it’s the automatic default response and we don’t even notice we’re doing it in the moment.

We don’t even realize we’ve been abandoning our authenticity, until much later in life when we realize we’re unhappy and unfulfilled.

That’s when we discover our chronic self-abandonment has left us disconnected from who we are, what we’re here for, and how our lives are going.

Reconnecting with your true (authentic) self.

The journey to understanding and managing anxiety often leads us back to our earliest experiences—those moments when we first learned to suppress our true selves in favor of fitting in or pleasing others. These patterns of self-abandonment, ingrained over years, can be the root cause of the anxiety that now feels so overwhelming and ‘like the way it is.’.

But the good news is, it’s never too late to reconnect with your authentic self. By recognizing the deep-seated patterns that have shaped your emotional responses, you can begin to break the cycle, and reclaim the full spectrum of emotion and self-expression you so deeply deserve. It starts with small, intentional steps:

• Acknowledge your anxiety as a signal, not a flaw. Your anxiety is pointing you towards something deeper—those parts of yourself you’ve been taught to ignore or hide.

• Name the emotions you’ve been avoiding. Whether it’s vulnerability, fear, sadness, anger, excitement, or joy, identifying these feelings is the first step toward healing.

• Validate the emotions and feelings you’re having. Remind yourself that it’s okay to feel these emotions, no matter how uncomfortable they are. They don’t make you weak, flawed, or “too much.” They make you human.

• Get curious about what your needs are. As you start to validate your emotions, you can begin to reconnect with your needs. What do you truly need in this moment? It might be rest, reassurance, support, or simply giving yourself permission to feel what you feel.

• Be compassionate with yourself. Understand that self-abandonment was a survival mechanism in your childhood, but it doesn’t have to define your adult life. Be gentle with yourself as you work through these deeply ingrained patterns.

• Seek support. This journey is complex and not one that’s easily done on your own – despite what your inner-independent-4yo might try to tell you! Whether through therapy, coaching, or trusted friends, allowing yourself to ask for support is likely the game changer you’re looking for to alter the pattern of self-abandonment and anxiety. (The need to do this work with the support of another, has to do with healing those original wounds around connection and that can’t be done alone.)

Reclaiming your authenticity is not just about reducing anxiety; it’s about living a life that feels fulfilling, meaningful, and aligned with who you truly are. It’s about giving yourself permission to feel all of your emotions, to express your needs, and to be unapologetically yourself.

The path forward isn’t always easy, but it’s worth it. Every step you take toward reconnecting with your true self is a step toward a more peaceful, fulfilling life. You have the power to break the cycle of self-abandonment and anxiety, and to live in a way that honours your true self.

Disclaimer:
Anxiety is a serious mental health issue, and it’s important to seek professional help if you’re experiencing symptoms regularly. The insights shared in this post are intended as one perspective and one tool in understanding and managing anxiety. They are not a substitute for medical advice or therapy. Please consult with a healthcare professional to discuss your symptoms and explore the best treatment options for you.