Is It Really Self-Sabotage… or Is It Self-Abandonment?

What You Think Is Sabotage Might Actually Be Something Deeper

You’ve probably said it:

“Ugh, I always sabotage myself.”

You can’t seem to stop yourself from eating the cookie regardless of your diet.
You say yes to happy hour instead of sticking to your streak at the gym.
You quit before you get to see your plans come to fruition.
You go on the second date despite your intuition knows better.

On the surface, it looks like self-sabotage.
But what if that’s not actually what’s going on?

What if what you’ve been calling “sabotage” is actually self-abandonment – a quiet, familiar pattern of disconnecting from your needs, your truth, and your voice… to protect yourself?

What Self-Sabotage Usually Looks Like

Most women assume self-sabotage is just a lack of discipline or follow-through.
It shows up like:

Procrastinating on things you actually want
Pulling away from relationships that feel safe or reciprocal
Saying yes when every part of you is screaming no
“Forgetting” to take care of yourself when things are going well
Falling back into patterns you swore you’d outgrown
Avoiding taking action on something you know is important

It can look like rebellion or avoidance.
But more often than not, it’s actually fear.

What’s Really Happening: Self-Abandonment

When your nervous system believes you’ll be judged, rejected, or punished for showing up as your full self…

When your inner child still fears being “too much” or “not enough”…

When your lived experience has taught you that having needs = being unsafe…

You don’t sabotage.
You abandon yourself.

You silence your voice.
You disconnect from your truth.
You shape-shift into someone more likable, agreeable, or easygoing.

It feels like sabotage – but it’s not rebellion.
It’s protection.

The Cost of Mislabeling It

When you keep calling it sabotage, you miss what’s really happening underneath.

You try to out-discipline a pattern that’s rooted in survival wiring.
You beat yourself up instead of getting curious.
You waste energy trying to “fix” yourself… instead of supporting yourself.

But this pattern doesn’t need punishment.
It needs reconnection.

Reframing “Sabotage” as a Signal

Next time you catch yourself pulling away, procrastinating, or people-pleasing – pause.
Not to judge. But to listen.

Ask yourself:

What need am I ignoring?
What part of me is afraid right now?
What truth am I avoiding or swallowing?
What outcome am I trying to control by staying small or silent?

Every act of “sabotage” is a breadcrumb.

Not back to your brokenness.

But back to the version of you who learned to leave herself… because she thought that’s what it took to be loved.

3 Gentle Ways to Start Reconnecting

If you’re recognizing yourself in this pattern, you’re not alone.
Here are a few small steps to begin shifting:

1. Catch the pattern without shame.
Instead of spiraling into judgment, try:

“Ahh, I’m doing that thing again. That makes sense. This is familiar.”

Shame keeps the cycle going. Compassion interrupts it.

2. Tune into your body.
What sensations come up when you think about speaking your truth?
Where do you feel tight, hot, numb, shaky?

Your nervous system holds the key to your pattern. Start learning its language.

3. Ask: “What would honoring myself look like right now?”
You don’t even have to do the thing yet.

But naming it helps you stay connected to your truth – even if you’re not ready to act on it yet.

You’re Not Sabotaging. You’re Surviving.

You’re not broken.
You’re not lazy.
You’re not flaky.
You’re not a mess.

You’re someone who learned it was safer to leave yourself than risk losing someone else.
And now? You’re ready for something different.

The first step isn’t forcing change.
It’s noticing the pattern with love.
It’s asking a better question.
It’s choosing, even in small moments, to stay with yourself instead of leaving.

And that? That’s not sabotage.
That’s healing.

Ready to stop calling it sabotage and start reconnecting with your needs? Download my free guide: Stop Self-Abandonment. It’s the first step toward rebuilding trust with yourself – without guilt.

Want to stop self-abandoning and start choosing yourself?

You don’t have to keep putting everyone else’s needs ahead of your own – or keep pretending you’re fine when you’re quietly falling apart inside.

Stop Self-Abandonment is a free guide to help you break the pattern that’s been keeping you small, quiet, and stuck – especially in your relationships.