This Isn’t Love – It’s Emotional Labour
When Emotional Labour in Relationships Gets Rebranded as Love
I came across a post the other day that almost made me throw my phone across the room.
It was meant to be supportive. Empowering, even. It had the tone of something you’d see shared in a thousand “conscious relationship” accounts.
“I wasn’t trying to fix him. I was trying to fix us.”
It was presented like a mic drop.
And in some ways, it was – because the belief that women shouldn’t have to “fix” their partners is finally gaining traction. It’s become part of the cultural ether. Women are waking up to the fact that they’ve been over-functioning emotionally – and starting to push back.
But that’s exactly what made this post so insidious.
Because this reframe?
It’s not liberation. It’s a loophole.
It gives women just enough emotional language to justify staying in the same one-sided dynamic. It lets them believe they’re not trying to change him – they’re just “invested in us.” But if you’re in a relationship where:
- Your partner won’t come to the table to talk
- He treats every disagreement like a personal attack
- He uses passive-aggressive tendencies to make his point
- He won’t develop emotional intelligence skills or take ownership for how his behaviour impacts the relationship…
Then let’s be clear:
Trying to “fix us” is just a softer way of saying you’re still trying to change him.
How the Emotional Burden Falls on Women
If the way he currently operates is incompatible with real relational connection – and he has no internal motivation to learn, evolve, or take responsibility – then you trying to lead him there isn’t love.
It’s emotional labour.
It’s unpaid coaching.
It’s being his translator, interpreter, shock absorber, and relational growth department.
And that’s not your job.
Imagine this:
Your partner has dangerously high cholesterol. Instead of taking it seriously himself, he shrugs it off.
So you start “helping” him eat better. You change how the whole family eats. You stop buying snacks. You learn about healthy fats. You frame it as, “We could all benefit,” but you know what you’re really doing.
And what does he do?
As soon as your back is turned, he’s at the pub eating wings. On the guys trip scarfing burgers. And worse – he resents you for “making” him eat healthy. He jokes to his friends about your kale obsession. He rolls his eyes at your food choices.
That’s no different than him saying he’s going to make some changes and then performatively staying calm once or twice, going to a couple’s session, reading a book – it’s not coming from a genuine place. He’s doing it to avoid conflict. To be seen as “a good guy” and give him the ability to say “what do you want from me? I’m doing it, see?”
And here’s what you already know:
That kind of people-pleasing is just conflict-avoidance dressed up as cooperation.
It’s not sustainable. It’s not honest. And it will – guaranteed – turn into resentment. Eventually, you’ll be blamed for the very thing you were trying to help him with.
Self-Abandonment Disguised as Partnership
And that’s where this gets personal.
Because I’ve worked with so many women – friends, clients, colleagues – who know deep down that their partner is not willing. Not curious. Not self-aware. Not safe to engage in true emotional reciprocity.
But they keep showing up.
They keep “investing in us.”
They keep doing the work of two people – while telling themselves it’s noble. Or necessary. Or just for now.
But let’s be clear:
When you keep doing the emotional lifting in a relationship where your partner refuses to grow – what you’re really doing is abandoning yourself.
You’re making his comfort more important than your needs.
You’re making the stability of the household more important than your inner peace.
You’re calling it love. You’re calling it maturity. But at its core, it’s still you overriding your own truth to keep the system from breaking.
What If You’re Staying Because You’re Scared?
And sometimes, yes – that may be a conscious choice.
Especially when kids are involved.
I know women who’ve stayed for five, ten, even fifteen years longer than they wanted to – not because they were delusional, but because they were protecting their children. Because they knew that in a split-home scenario, half their kids’ lives would be shaped by a father who wasn’t emotionally equipped to raise them with attunement, reflection, or relational skill.
They didn’t stay out of weakness.
They stayed from strength.
They made a deliberate sacrifice for their children’s long-term well-being.
That decision deserves respect.
But let’s not lie about what it was.
Let’s not reframe it as “working on us.”
Let’s not pretend we’re building intimacy with someone who isn’t doing the building.
Let’s not call it connection when what we’re actually doing is containment.
Because when we deny the truth of that choice – we reinforce the very system that demands our silence.
And here’s the part that’s even harder to name:
Some women aren’t staying out of strategy. They’re staying because they’re scared.
Scared of being alone.
Scared of what it would mean to blow up the relationship.
Scared of how it would impact the kids, or their finances, or their identity.
Scared that no one better is coming.
And instead of naming that fear – really naming it – they call it sacrifice.
They say they’re staying “for the greater good.”
They say, “I believe in the relationship.”
They say, “We’re working on things.”
But underneath the language of patience and empathy… is a woman who’s terrified to face what she already knows.
And listen – if that’s you, I’m not judging you.
But I am inviting you to be honest.
Because you can’t reclaim yourself while lying about your own reasons.
Dating While Carrying the Emotional Load
And it’s not just married women.
I have clients who are dating right now – smart, self-aware women – asking themselves whether they should compromise what they want in order to have a partner.
They’re questioning whether they can have both attraction and emotional connection. They’re wondering if it’s unrealistic to want sex that feels real and someone who wants to grow. One even asked if maybe she just needs to learn to tolerate having sex with someone she’s not really attracted to – because at least he’s “nice.”
Let’s be blunt:
That’s not partnership.
That’s just the gender-reversed version of the guy who “tolerates” your emotional needs so he can keep the peace and stay in your pants. It’s not mutuality. It’s management. And it will rot from the inside.
This Isn’t About Hating Men – It’s About Raising the Standard
I’m not a man-hater.
But I am deeply uninterested in giving men a pass for what women have been expected to do for generations.
If he wants emotional connection, he can do the emotional work.
If he wants relational stability, he can develop relational skill.
And if he wants a woman to see him, hear him, and love him – he can start by making himself available to that love in a way that’s honest, accountable, and willing.
Because the bar is not on the floor anymore.
Not here. Not in this space.
If This Hit a Nerve, Here’s What to Do Next
If you’re reading this with a lump in your throat or a knot in your gut – pause there.
Not to backpedal into guilt. Not to second-guess yourself. But to get clear.
Because clarity is the first step out of this pattern.
Not bravery. Not a softer script. Not a better strategy.
Clarity – about what’s yours to hold and what never was.
You’re not too much.
You’re not asking for too much.
You’re just seeing the truth – maybe for the first time in a long time – and realizing you don’t want to carry it alone anymore.
That’s not selfish.
That’s not abandonment.
That’s you coming home to yourself.
This is the first in a series on emotional labour, self-abandonment, and what happens when women stop calling it love and start telling the truth.
Don’t want to miss the next one?
[Sign up here to get notified.]
Ready to stop abandoning yourself? Download the Stop Self-Abandoning workbook.
It’s free – and it’ll help you say what you mean, stop playing nice, and take your life back.
You know it’s time to stop abandoning yourself.
This free workbook is your first step to reclaiming your power.
You’ve spent long enough putting everyone else’s needs ahead of your own – pretending everything’s okay when it’s not.
It’s time to come back to yourself. It’s time to take your life back.
“Wow. I had no idea how sneaky this pattern was in my life! I learned so much with this guide!
Marcia – Reader
(No spam. No pressure. Just a guide to help you come home to yourself.)
